At the heart of everything is that

I don't know exactly what, or why I bother to speak

And I feel no urge to change the topic now

You will never know who I was, nor do I want that fact to spread

When you lift this out of the dark mouth of this dreamy abyss,

Shake loose the dirt of centuries over the plaque

And hold it to the amazing sunlight I have already forgotten

I shall not rise again through my writing

For I wish not to be disturbed

But a veritable treasure this will be, I am sure,

A relic, of historic value, but the personal little strains that

I write this for, now,

Will be suppressed and forgotten

That is how you are

A myopic generation, refusing to see what's right in front of you

because it's right in front of you

And no one ever taught you how to see such things.

Fine, I shall remain a relic, and though I quiver at the thought of being hung for the public display,

I shall be long gone by then, that is my only consolation.

Come find me out, after a thousand years, pull me out of this cave

And do with me whatever you wish to,

I don't care, for this will not be me any more when you pluck it

I am taking the train tonight.

1Life.

Tags: relic, random.

Day 628

L Day 628, man.

N So we stuck through, did we?

L No, N. that doesn’t imply we stuck through. But it looks like — touch wood — we’re having fair weather.

N Well, happiness is what matters. When the sun shines, you kind of strangely forget about what it’s like when it doesn’t. And it’s not good when it doesn’t. So we don’t want that.

L Right. N?

N Yeah?

L We been out of touch.

N Why?

L Dunno, maybe because I didn’t need you, maybe never did? It’s easier saying those things now, you know.

N You mean you are happier?

L Strangely, N, I’m not sure. It’s like TV. Everything’s TV. Nothing matters too much.

N That’s bad, I guess.

L Yeah, but I ain’t feeling any urgency or any direct discomfort because of it. It’s just a sense that this shouldn’t be right that makes me worry about it. Not too much, though.

N It’s time you got another.

L You think so?

N I think so.

L N, you told me to not give up hope.

N L, we both know that doesn’t matter any more. We turned out fools. And we didn’t really have it in our hands.

L That’s why, N, I’m not feeling motivated to go into all this again, where you are always at risk of turning out stupid, and paying a lot in damages. It’s just that I invest so much… And besides,…

N Besides?

L Besides, I don’t feel an urgency like that. If a situation comes by, I’ll judge it and decide.

N But who’ll turn off the TV meanwhile?

L I guess college will.

N Man, college. That sounds so… so new.

L Yeah. Me. In college. Time slips by, man, irreversibly. Not all of that is good.

N You, the eternal moaner.

L I see reason.

N I see reason to not talk about it now.

L Right, me too. You know, it’s a hard job keeping up with all your friends.

N Count the good ones.

L Can’t. Not here. Bad idea, N.

N Some you will shed.

L Funny, isn’t it, how at one time I wouldn’t be convinced that I’d ever get over it?

N You’ll do the same thing if it happens again.

L Dragon-shit, man. Don’t you wish it.

N I think you’ll be careful.

L Will be, but I don’t know how effective that will be. You don’t get to know how you’ll turn out in a situation till you are in that situation.

N It’s a museum into yourself, isn’t it?

L Not quite as glamorous as all that.

N Hmm.

L How ’bout we put up the graphs?

N Who’ll know what they are?

L They don’t have to. It’s my blog, I do what I like.

N Okay.

L In alphabetical order.

N That’s the way they are, anyway.

L/N.

A12090605 / 140515.

Tags: none

When I used to be in class VIII or so, we had Visual Basic in our Computer Practical syllabus. I eventually took a strong liking to it and even brought home monster-size books on VB. During this time, I created a number of applications on VB. The best of them, a fully customizable multi-step calculator, was lost in a disk crash. However, today I opened an old backup CD to look for WinRAR Archiver and stumbled upon a few such applications I had stored away on the CD. It was all very nostalgic.

The first is a puzzle game I had created, the type where you have to move tiles around a grid to form a picture, only I used numbers, so that there are many formations you can try to make. This is the link to that application:

The second is the first version of the calculator. The history behind it is that we already had a calculator on our syllabus, a really stupid one whose code we simply had to copy from our textbook. It could do just the four primary functions, and without a great deal of accuracy (it used only a few decimal points). I improved upon it a little, and brought out my version, which you can download here:

Then I worked a hell lot more on it, and produced something that no man has ever set his mortal eyes on, but, as I said, it’s lost now.

I remember I cried the night it happened.

1Life.

Tags: exe, vb, app

I’ve seen you in my dreams

We were chasing a distant blue horizon in the sands of time

And the neon clouds cast their picture on that endless land

That world was ours; that world was mine

Now I see it was a fleeting transience;

A scene in the middle of waking from a dream

Into another

Now, here, my world is running a fever

And around me I see an alien light

Rousing worlds that had gone to sleep since November

I won’t be this me tomorrow, any more

But that numbness pulses underneath my skin

Making me repent for not being someone else

Someone without distant lines to chase

Under neon skies and over the endless sands of time

1Life.

Tags: wisp, poem

Our state engineering joint entrance results were announced today. It’s called West Bengal Joint Entrance Examination (WBJEE). But let me first tell you how much importance it has held for me.

I was pretty darned pissed off when in the first place it clashed with another test I wanted to take. Thankfully, on the penultimate day, questions were leaked and the joint was postponed. I sat for the other test.

We had a tour coming up after that, which most probably would engulf the possible revised date.

Finally, it didn’t. Most unfortunately, because I had decided to not take the test at all if it came to that. However, we would be returning only a couple of days before the revised date, and there would be no time to study.

We didn’t cancel the tour for that.

We returned, and I didn’t study a word in those two or three days. There were my friends who had studied really, really hard (and I mean really, really hard) for entire weeks before the first date and an entire month before the second, and I was lazing on a couch watching TV.

I sat for the test, a thousandth time less nervous than those around me, and those three hours were just spent realizing that I hadn’t forgotten everything.

The days coming up to today, the day of the declaration of results, were packed with anticipation and anxiety for my friends, and a lot of Dan Brown and Chetan Bhagat for me.

Today, the results are out. I’ve ranked 468, while some of my friends are in the thousands.

Although it’s not wise to extrapolate each important incident in your life to deduce some general rule, yet, and especially because this wasn’t important to me, I am enticed to declare the rule that:

‘1 unit less of anxiety and nervousness during an examination equals about twenty units more of studying.’

I guess I’m off to somewhere to study Physics now (you thought I’d go for engineering? Pooh.), and in accordance to the rule above, I’m looking for many more books to read and games to download to my phone. Then surely, in some dazzling near future, I’ll be all over your newspapers and TV. You just wait till that.

1Life.

Tags: WBJEE, results.

That orange plastic bag, the one in which the last segment of my life was stored away, was transacted today.

I had to do it, because I’m going away to study in a few weeks, and I really can’t leave it behind. Besides, cursory glances at a few pages is all that I will ever be able to do with those diaries. I won’t like handling them any more than that. So what’s the use anyway? So I gave them back.

She looked exactly as I remembered her. She had the same teeth. I didn’t feel scared when I saw her, unlike at some other points of time. She was actually looking pretty good. She was wearing a… er… let’s see… a sky blue and orange top, grayish blue jeans, and similarly coloured sneakers. And kohl. She had a green side-bag. She looked pretty okay. And I think she had a white belt.

She looked a little uncomfortable for the few seconds we talked. She had her hand to her hip, fumbling with something, and… well, you can tell when someone is a little uncomfortable. I liked that, because I wasn’t uncomfortable. Yes, I was a little nervous before she came. We were meeting in the same damn place we had on our first date. Same damn standing spot. However, I wasn’t having any special feeling, really. The whole damn affair is actually very far away now. Very far away.

Our talk was very short, though. But I think, I just have this little inkling, that she was a little taken aback by something on me.

Anyways, I don’t wanna talk about it any more because it’s again starting to look like I’m thinking a lot about it, which is not the case.

Somehow this is right, this is good, this not having to be involved so much. I think I’ll try to be like this for longer, till something happens. But yeah, if nothing happens ever, I’d be pissed off.

Oh yes. The orange plastic bag wasn’t entirely delivered. A bit of it remains with me. Just the plastic bag, really. I did try to get rid of it too, but she wouldn’t take it and was about to throw it in a bin when I took it back.

1Life.

Tags: none.

I had a dream last night. (I don’t call it at 3 this morning. I prefer to call it last night at 3.) In that dream, I was in some type of hotel. That hotel had an ancient little statue. It was a fat, stout old man’s statue. The statue had a long thing in its hand. Most probably it was a whip. But its purpose was not torture. The hotel people had told me once that that statue had been built under the supervision of some old Indian sultan like Aurangzeb, and inside it was a wonder of mechanical engineering. For the statue could dance about exactly like a human being, some moves being very fast. It would jump and spin its whip and perform complicated body movements very fast. I watched its performance once more last night.

Now, the thing is, I’d been to that hotel before at another time and had learnt about the statue and watched its performance. This was the second stay at that hotel. I’m damn sure of that. Even in last night’s dream I knew that I’d been there in an earlier dream, some other day.

However, now that I’m in wake mode, I r